This month (taken from my archive on June 2023), I’ve been doing good for moments that I don’t really count. But, something strange happen today. I don’t even know what’s the possible cause of this. I’m triggered by my own inability to understand the materials given on the college class. I feel dumb.

Take the reasoning a bit further, I might experience this because of my lacking sleep. But I’ve paid my time already. I’ve done the workout. I will never know the exact causes why I feel so inferior. It just happens. But my lacking time is also part of my “faults”. I cannot regulate my time well enough. This acts like a vicious cycle of a disturbed decision making.

I don’t think that to figure out the reasons is important enough. It’d be much better if I just find my way to cope. I mustn’t amplify such feelings. Feelings are bound to be fleeting. Feelings are impermanent. Feelings are anicca.

💡 I do realize that this approach might sound like intellectual escapism; a way to avoid the concrete problem by retreating into philosophy. And perhaps there's truth to that. But I've found that any practical solution—better time management, new study techniques—is bound to fail if the mind applying it is in a state of turmoil. This isn't about ignoring the practical issues, but about securing the foundational layer first. A stable mind is the only ground upon which lasting solutions can be built.


Constant fears of unfulfilled expectations

My first semester wasn’t all good. I was experiencing massive downs, too. It’s that my mental is too fragile to cope. It’s so surprising that I get into that big 20 list. I’m happy that my self-achievement brings happiness into my parents’ heart. Their happiness matters for me. I love them so much.

Now, in the 2nd semester, the pressure is never coming from my parents. The pressure is coming from my own expectations. I feel like I want to strive for good scores, good GPA, because I don’t want to disappoint them. By living with these expectations, I cultivate the attachment to that GPA craving. It’s not that I’m not allowed to achieve for something good, it’s just that I have to know my limits. By limits, I must realize that, in order to achieve my goals, there are sets of actions that must be done. It’s like the actions act the input and the results act as the achieved goals. But, in life, the outputs may go wrong. Let alone the output, the input might be so hard to be set as ideal as possible.



The classic how a system works.

By developing such attachment, I blame myself too much for the bad inputs, let alone the bad outputs. I have to see things the way it is.

💡 Oh, I’ve done the inputs, as better as possible. Oh, the outputs are the “absolute” results of those inputs. Considering the distractions or “unexpected inputs” are also there, the unexpected outputs must be there, too. Those unwanted inputs do affect the final outcomes.

Of course, I know that life is not a simple computer program, and this input-output model is a gross oversimplification. Human experience is far more organic, chaotic, and messy than any system can describe. But as a functional model, as a tool for untangling my own sense of agency from the things I cannot control, it is incredibly useful. It helps to delineate what is my responsibility (the inputs) and what I must learn to accept (the outputs).

But this cycle of analysis is somehow exhausting. I keep tracing the inputs and outputs, trying to find the one variable to blame, and it always ends up being me. Perhaps I'm focusing on the wrong part of the system. What if the real problem isn't the quality of the inputs or the unpredictability of the outputs, but my reaction to them? The suffering seems to stem from the friction between reality and my expectations. This constant pushing and pulling—the hatred for the current situation and the craving for a different one—is the true source of the disturbance. 


Equanimity and aversion

So, you don’t have to hate the situation you’re in. Just realize the situation as it is. Be filled with equanimity. Get rid of the aversion. Get rid of the dosa. By amplifying the aversion, you’ll even suffer more. By amplifying the equanimity, you’ll be able to think for the next steps needed to get the desired outcomes, to focus on the solution—not to blame the current situation too much yet resulting in no solution at all but depressing and full-of-sadness mental states.

The dangers are now clear:

  • taṇhā —> lobha: the desire or craving for something, not mere chanda or mere cetanā!
  • dosa: the aversion of something or particular undesired situations
  • moha —> avijjā: the delusions, ignorance, not-seeing things as they are (anicca, dukkha, anatta)

Identifying these dangers is a crucial step. But it inevitably leads to a deeper, more troubling question: Why? Why is my mind so predisposed to these states? Why does my "default recipe" seem to favor this pattern of craving and aversion? Merely managing these feelings moment-to-moment feels like treating a symptom without understanding the root cause. To find a more stable peace, I feel compelled to investigate the very foundation of my being, the initial conditions I started with. This means looking at the hardware I was born with.


Genes and non-shared environments—brute chances

You have learnt that genes play their significant roles in deciding which traits are with you. Don’t worry! Again, see things as they are! Here is my Dhamma interpretation:

💡 The genes that are with you since you were born are the consequences of your past-life kamma. You were born with it as your default recipe. It’s not your parents to blame, it’s that your ripped vipāka is suitable with your inherited genes combination given by your parents.

Why am I experiencing such negative emotions too much? Why do I have such and such trajectories? Why me? Again, it’s all your kamma! But, remember, the Buddha teaches that it’s not just your past kamma that is taking the part on your life outcomes. Such view is a wrong view. Your present kamma also takes their parts!

See it this way: you have the genes as talents, you have the genes as possibility, you have the genes as the fruit of your past kamma; but you also have control over the expressions, you have control over some non-shared environments—the brute chances, you have control over your environment; no matter how little it is!

Ok let me explain it. This view might be “problematic” but I guarantee you that it is indeed useful. You know that non-shared environments, or specifically, the brute chances, take large parts in deciding your outcomes, too. But, where do these chances come from? I believe that they’re coming from your vipāka! So, your kamma, again, matters! Remember that every viññāṇa appears because your senses deserve the objects! These objects—whether pleasant or unpleasant—are the fruits of your kamma—the vipāka.

And yet, as I try to draw these lines connecting genes to chances to vipāka, I have to pause. This very attempt to create a perfect, causal map might be a fool's errand. The Buddha himself, in the Acinteyya Sutta (AN 4.77), warned against this kind of obsessive speculation. He pointed to four 'unconjecturables'—topics that lie beyond the limits of logical thought, and whose pondering leads to madness and vexation. And right there on that list is the precise mechanism of kamma-vipāka, the very thing I'm trying to map out. So, perhaps the exact 'how' is not meant to be fully known. It serves as a humbling reminder that the goal isn't to have a perfect flowchart of my existence.

💡 I must be clear: this may seem like a philosophical leap, a working hypothesis for living, not a provable scientific fact. It's a view that can be rightly criticized as unfalsifiable, a closed loop where everything is explained away by a single cause. Its value to me is not in its scientific rigor, but in its pragmatic power—take notes that it's acinteyya anyway. By framing even "chance" as a consequence of kamma, it eliminates fatalism and empowers me to believe that every present action, every "input," no matter how small, contributes to shaping the totality of my future reality. It’s also important to state what this reflection is not. It is not a denial of external realities—of competitive educational systems, social pressures, or the systemic factors that contribute to stress and anxiety. Those forces are real and significant. This post is, by design, a deliberate "zooming in" on the one domain where I have the most immediate influence: my own mind and my own actions. It is an attempt to map my small, personal circle of power within a much larger, often overwhelming world.


The conclusion

So here we go. Your “default recipe” is it. It is what it is. There’s no easy way to change it deliberately. It is coming from your past kamma. But you also have the present kamma which decides your present and future. Keep in mind that some particular acts do change or alter genetic expressions. You have read some research on how that’s happening. Thus, no matter what or how your default recipe is, you always have a choice —no matter how little it is. The obvious choices are there. The unobvious choices represent themselves as brute chances. There are no chances as pure chances. Chances are your vipāka, so it’s coming from your “present” acting as “past” kamma, too!



The classic how a system works.

You have already experienced such contemplative times in which you think of the world as an input-process-output machine. It doesn’t stop there. Now think of the output as the so-called “future”. The input is the present moment. The input is in the very here and now. The process is the law of nature in its working process. The output is highly affected by your inputs and processes. It’s not really something “new” to begin with. Thus, let the future take care of itself. The outcomes are bound to be as they are, as the inputs that you cook. Let the consequences be consequences. In order to get altered consequences, make sure to alter the inputs! Ruminating on the outcomes without altering the inputs is nonsense.

But, keep in mind that some outcomes may be as undesired as your worst expectation. Sometimes you might wonder why it like that is. But keep in mind that your past kamma all acts as the inputs, too. You may forget the inputs of your past, but, of course, they are all still there, affecting the final outputs.

The important points are:

  1. In desiring something, make sure that the cetanā and chanda are not appearing with taṇhā/lobha.
  2. In desiring something, make sure that you get rid of the aversion (dosa).
  3. Stay upekkhā, stay on equanimity, no matter how unpleasant or pleasant. It is what it is. Get rid of moha. Remember anicca, dukkha, anatta!
  4. See your “default recipe” with no. 1-3. Alter the expressions of your recipes by making use of your present kamma. Kamma will act as both obvious and unobvious outcomes. The unobvious outcomes are brute chances.
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