To Heal is My Responsibility
I experienced several childhood traumas and I do realize that many of my past wrongdoings are somehow related to them. But, it also feels wrong to merely blame the past. I was just doubling my wrongs. I cannot use my past as excuses for my next wrongdoings, no matter how affecting it is. It's always my responsibility to heal. But, I still don't know if this also applies to very severe cases :/
I used to live with constant fears of getting hit. I witnessed suicide trials, aggresively thrown & tampered items, massive shouts. But, it didn't stop there. As a kid, I was being abusive to some other kids, too. I suspect that it was the byproduct of what I'd once experienced. I've given my sincere apologies to some of them, personally. The older version of me realizes that those were wrong. I sometimes argue with myself like hey it was not 100% your fault, you were just a little kid. But, responsibility is responsibility.
Years passed. Now, I feel much better (I suppose). They has changed. I'm relying myself on forgiveness and compassion. I forgive all of the past evils that they has gave. We just act fine. I love them. Those past acts are now being inside jokes. I realize that it has never been easy to be faced by upbringing obligations. I forgive you, I can hear you, and I long to be near you (crying in Carrie & Lowell). I realize that something is wrong within you, too. It's not merely your fault, too. I cannot hate you.
Does those still affect me? I'm not sure whether those, as past events, are affecting me mentally, or it's just me being genetically hardwired with their mental predisposition. I don't know whether or not those effects are negligible. I don't know which scenario fits the reality.
At least I'm trying.
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